Embracing Your Authentic Self

Abe. Joy-filled. Creator. Gay.  Entrepreneur. Artist. Outgoing. Intense. Tender. Traveler. Photographer. Athlete. Mentor. Beloved.

I’ve been called a lot of things in my life. I’ve identified as a lot of things in my life. Identity is fascinating – humans find home in identity. It’s been a long journey to find home in my identity. Maybe it was because I grew up gay in the Christian church? Maybe because I have always been so hyper-aware of my surroundings that it was hard to feel who I was when my personality bent towards empathy really well. Or maybe because it is hard to get to a place where you’re confident in who you are. Especially when we’re changing all the time.

Over the past couple years, I’ve noticed myself saying:

“I’m not just one thing!” 

“Why can’t I love wearing athleisure clothing while also loving Hermes and wanting to be featured in Vogue!?”

“I need to live in cities. And I also LOVE the mystical silence of the forest.”

“I’m the biggest extrovert, and I also love quiet afternoons editing photos in my office”

I used to get really frustrated with myself, knowing that I am a lot of things and that I enjoy doing a lot of things. It really affected my ability to feel like I belonged, anywhere. I’ve always felt connected to many different groups of people who are all so incredibly different from one another.

It wasn’t until 2020, when I was forced to really sit with myself during quarantine, that I realized that being multifaceted is actually a strength. What is “normal”, anyways? What instilled in me the notion that living life in a narrow lane was good for me? That it was good for everyone? I really think it was because I grew up in a heteronormative world, as a closeted little gay human. I always was looking ahead and over my shoulder to make sure what I was doing and how I was acting didn’t leave me abandoned with no social circle to be a part of. This pattern was happening subconsciously and really came to the surface in the last two years after being alone with myself (and my husband) before vaccines were released to the public. I started to feel fully safe (other than, you know, making sure I didn’t get Covid), for the first time in my life, because I was in my own created safe space – where no words or passive aggression or awkward body language or external environment could tell me that what I was doing was “wrong” or “weird” or “different” or “not-cool”... I started to feel freedom in my identity.

What does that mean, now? I think it means really celebrating the different, intricate facets of my personality, my desires and gifts and talents and thoughts and patterns and all the things that no one ever sees – the intimate spaces in between all the noise. I think with celebration comes the courage to cultivate more of it all – being able to look at myself in the mirror and not just being okay with all of who I am, but really diving deeper into the expansive universe that is Abe. That has looked like exploring what fashion means to me, paving new paths as the managing partner at Lightward, exploring all my desires as they relate to sexuality and my body, and celebrating the uniqueness of how my brain works.

I also think it means leaving space for things to surprise you. I hardly say “never”. Who knows what I’ll be like in 5 or 10 years? How will I know when a desire will drop into my awareness? I leave space to surprise myself. It’s exciting to wonder what the iteration of me will be like tomorrow or when I’m 50.

There’s so much freedom on the other side of fighting against what is real. I think that is a secret to finding confidence in living an authentic life. And that’s what I’m doing – I’m no longer fighting against what is real about myself. I’m cultivating more courage to say what I want to say, to do what I want to do and to explore all that I want to explore. I believe one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is the ability to embrace, celebrate and live in one's own authenticity. We’re alive and get to experience the world full of color and love and magic and wind and movement and pleasure and expansion – why not experience it all as fully yourself?